Confidential to Bono, 'New York Times' Columnist

Dear Bono,

No doubt you are, as Andy Rosenthal describes you, "an extraordinary man who thinks deeply about his art and the major issues confronting the world." To be sure, your work on AIDS and poverty is just great. Thanks for that.

But as a newspaper columnist, you are truly an execrable failure. "Glasses clinking clicking, clashing crashing in Gaelic revelry"? Did you come up with that in a freshman writing seminar? It's cool that you got to hang out with Frank Sinatra and all, but we really don't care that much. You're a rock star. It's expected.

Bono, you don't see us getting on stage at the Meadowlands butchering "Where the Streets Have No Name," do you? So please return the favor and stay off the op-ed page from now on.

Respectfully yours,