Bill O'Reilly Still Mad About 'Seinfeld' Finale

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Since you hoity-toity East Coast secular-progressives probably think you're too good to read a book by a regular working-class Irish guy like Bill O'Reilly, I went to the trouble of skimming his new memoir, A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity, and pulling out the best parts. Who's looking out for you?

Here's what I learned about "the bold, fresh guy" (as he repeatedly insists on referring to himself -- the name comes from a dressing-down he got from a nun as a Catholic schoolboy):

1. Bill O'Reilly is really into lite-FM classic rock. He quotes the Eagles, Billy Joel, Eric Clapton, Warren Zevon and Rod Stewart, and uses a line from Don Henley's "Boys of Summer" as the book's inscription.

2. Bill O'Reilly is still steamed over the time that aide to Barack Obama tried to stand in front of his cameraman. He recounts the harrowing incident -- one guy jostles another guy in a crowd! -- in a chapter titled "Fear," which is dedicated to examples of his bravery.

All at once, a huge guy wearing an Obama jacket walked over and stood directly in front of my cameraman, blocking any shot he might have had.... I then asked the guy to move, telling him he was interfering with our work. But he did not move. Because Obama was just seconds from passing us, I made the decision to move the guy myself. So I pushed him out of the way with precision. Did I mention he was six feet eight inches tall? We later learned that the guy was a committed left-wing zealot.

3. Bill O'Reilly is just waiting for the right moment to destroy his enemies. Also in the chapter on "Fear," O'Reilly says he has been subjected to threats against him and his family.

Going into detail about those threats serves no purpose here. But you should know that some very powerful people have encouraged that kind of vile activity, have encouraged people to harm me. We know who those people are, and I intend to deal with them sooner or later. Not a threat, a promise. Obviously, the struggle is intense, and if I weren't emotionally equipped to deal with fear, I could never do what I do every day. Not bragging, just stating.

4. Bill O'Reilly really is that obsessed with Jeffrey Immelt. For some reason, the GE chairman merits his own five-page sub-chapter in a book that's ostensibly about O'Reilly's childhood and formative years. He admits that he developed his hard-on for Immelt in response to the attacks on him by Keith Olbermann and other MSNBC commentators:

For years, MSNBC had tried to develop successful programming and had failed every single time. Eventually, their partner, Microsoft (the MS part), walked away from the disaster. That's when MSNBC decided to go into the hate business. You've heard a million times that "sex sells"; well, so does rank hatred. Maybe even more so.

5. Bill O'Reilly blames the liberal media elite for ruining the last episode of Seinfeld. No, really. "After nine years of clever writing and brilliant comedic acting, Seinfeld's closing act rivaled Petticoat Junction in witty payoff," he writes. "So what the heck happened?

"Since I'm pretty sure I understand the deep cynicism of head writer Larry David and also the middling cynicism of Jerry Seinfeld, I think these guys tanked the final episode on purpose." (He thinks the same thing about The Sopranos, by the way.)

O'Reilly has his own idea, one TV pro to another, for what Seinfeld and David should've done: a clips show!

Using Johnny Carson's brilliant last program as a model, all the Seinfeld people had to do was assemble the cast for a one-hour "best moments" special. Just let the characters kick it around, telling viewers what mattered to them and why, and then roll in the clips. Give the folks some inside-baseball as to how the show came together each week and then wrap it up with some bloopers.

Now who's going to be the one to tell O'Reilly that Seinfeld did, in fact, do a clips show?

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