Felix Dennis: Murder 'Confession' Was a Prank

Call off the bobbies. Felix Dennis says his recent "murder confession" to the Times of London was just a publicity stunt.

"Look, I've got a lot of books to sell, you understand?" Dennis told a roomful of Columbia Journalism School students last night. His appearance came as part of the school's Delacorte lecture series.

While many outlets took his confession at something close to face value, and one even went so far as to contact British law enforcement authorities, said Dennis, "What they didn't notice was the date that this front-page London Times article came out....It was the same day that the Guardian led with a front page which had pictures of penguins flying from Antarctica to South America." In other words, April Fool's Day.

But, actually, the penguins story -- which ran in the Mirror and the Telegraph, but not the Guardian -- appeared on April 1, as did the other story Dennis referenced as appearing on the "same day" as his profile, about Nicolas Sarkozy's "stretching operation." The Times story on Dennis came out April 2.

"Anybody who thinks that story was real needs a sense of humor check," Dennis added.

So let's get this straight:

Plausible: Good-for-nothing British hippie rockets to fame in obscenity trial; writes best-selling Bruce Lee biography; amasses billion-dollar fortune with empire of computer magazines and near-porn titles; develops and beats crack cocaine addiction; discovers love of poetry after near-death experience, and goes on to be come Britain's best-selling poet*; is serviced by rotating harem of beauties at Mediterranean island retreat; and plants a forest named after himself.

Implausible to the point of satire: British publisher once committed murder.

Of course. It's so obvious now.

Other Dennis gems:

-"I am one of Britain's best-selling poets. All right, , I'm Britain's best-selling poet. I know this is a very hard thing for you to imagine this to be so. And you can't imagine how hard it is for me."*

-"Talent rules and will always rule in media....At Dennis Publishing, we will literally put up with anything except playing with matches and gasoline in order to nurture talent."

-On launching magazines in the U.S.: "The cost of entry is deliberately high. How many competitors do you think Si wants?" (Referring to Conde Nast owner Si Newhouse.)

-To a student who asked if he has any hope of succeeding with women despite not being rich. "Yeah, because you're young, handsome and hung like a horse. For those of us who are old, fat, and bearded, with glasses, wealth is the only way."

-On the "idiots" who made Maxim and other Dennis titles successful: "The world is made up of dummies. There are far more of them than of us. Have you grasped the concept yet? The guy driving the bus is a dummy."

-On his mother: "I would describe her as a prettier version of Margaret Thatcher, but a prettier version without any of the soft bits."

-"There is no great baby boomer magazine. Yeah, yeah, I know, Jann [Wenner]'s a friend, and Rolling Stone is fine."

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Photo of Felix Dennis by Katrina Wittkamp/The New York Times/Redux

*I haven't independently verified his claim to be "Britain's best-selling poet."