Dear Mark Halperin: Shut Up and Go Away

I was hoping to avoid writing about Mark Halperin's extremely terrible new book, The Undecided Voter's Guide to the Next President, on account of its extreme terribleness. But now Halperin has gone and made that impossible, I'm afraid. So here goes.

An editor and political analyst for Time and ABC News, Halperin has been taking heat this week for an op-ed he published in The New York Times criticizing the strain of journalism that focuses on candidates' skill qua politicians, rather than on their qualifications for office -- in other words, the strain of journalism to which Halperin has devoted pretty much his whole career.

In today's New York Observer, he acknowledges his culpability, but then defends himself, saying The Undecided Voter's Guide "is my way of, if not doing penance, at least helping voters answer the more important question about who the best president would be."

Halperin has a funny understanding of penance, considering that his book is as brainless, petty and process-oriented a piece of political writing as is likely to be published this year.

Hillary Clinton, he says, may fail to win the presidency because "[s]he doesn't enjoy campaigning, and it shows in her manner and in her voice." Barack Obama is at a disadvantage because "was until recently a smoker." Fred Thompson's supporters should be glad that he's "very tall" -- that's the first factoid listed under "Why He Will Win" -- but Rudy Giuliani fans need to be aware that their guy has "twice appeared in drag."

The chapter on John Edwards is the worst. Halperin rehashes it all -- the YouTube "I feel pretty" video, the $400 haircut, the "Breck girl" slur, the giant mansion -- and concludes, "Republicans will peg him as a one-term Senate know-nothing, a lightweight pretty boy."

Now isn't that helpful, voter? Just in case you've somehow managed up till now to keep your mind free of all the meaningless static and mean-spirited garbage an election generates, Mark Halperin has been saving it all up for you. For just $14.95, you can find out who pigs out on chocolate ice cream and who gets cranky after a long day of shaking hands. And Halperin somehow gets to tell himself he's being virtuous by churning out this crap.

Not that his analysis is totally without value. He's probably right that, were Edwards to get the nomination, Republicans would succeed in caricaturing him as a vain airhead. Of course, to do that, they'll need willing accomplices in the media -- people like, say, Mark Halperin.