(De)Press(ing) Releases: Colbert/Dr Pepper '08

Every so often, along comes an artifact that perfectly expresses the character of our times. Sometimes, that artifact is a press release that arrives in my in-box. Today, it's a press release attempting to sell soft drinks by piggybacking on a comedian's already over-extended publicity stunt. Enjoy.

"YOUR FACE ON MY CAN!"

Dr Pepper makes Colbert a sweet offer...

Dear Future President of the United States,

If you're going to take the highest office in the land, you need a running mate that understands how to satiate Americans' thirst for freedom, democracy and carbonated beverages. I, Dr Pepper, the king of beverages and tamer of bears, am officially making myself available as your running mate.

We would make a powerful team, reminiscent of William Henry Harrison-John Tyler, Zachary Taylor-Milliard Fillmore, and of course the dream team of Herbert Hoover-Charles Curtis. Plus we're both doctors -- I have a Ph.D in "sweet-ology", and you have a Ph.D in "O'Reilly-ology". There's more to a Colbert/Pepper ticket than meets the eye. If you need more convincing, look no further:

-We're Everywhere: You are on national TV and I am already in every state. In fact 35 million Americans drink me daily...this trumps the number of people that can swallow the rhetoric of the other 2008 presidential candidates...Did I just say that? Yup.

-Only 228 Electoral Votes to Go!: With you entering the race as South Carolina's favorite son, those 8 votes are locked up tighter than my secret formula. Of course, my immaculate carbonation took place in Waco, Texas in 1885, which means we have Texas' 34 votes and the 120+ year old demographic in the bag.

-I've even Trademarked Some Great Campaign Slogans:

-Make Someone Happy. Vote Colbert/Pepper
-Colbert/Pepper...drink in the freedom
-Pop one at 10, 2 and 4. Colbert/Pepper
-Vote Colbert/Pepper. Cheaper than a $400 haircut!
-Come aboard the LeaderSHIP. Colbert/Pepper
-Vote Colbert/Pepper for free copies of Halo 3
-Four out of five doctors recommend Colbert/Pepper...the fifth one's an idiot
-If you don't want B.O. Vote Colbert/Pepper

You see what I am talking about? This ticket would be greater than doing 120 MPH in a school zone. I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself one question, "Are you with Pepper or against him?" And in case you're having trouble picturing a Colbert/Pepper ticket, I've got five words for you...your face on my can. Pretty sweet team if you ask me!

The market is speaking Colbert. And it wants us to join forces. So what's it gonna be?
Sincerely,

Dr Pepper

[name redacted]
Vice President & Senior Media Specialist
[number redacted]

Ketchum. Passion and Precision in Communication.

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