Ted Turner on Pandas, Virgins and 'Rupert's War'

Ted Turner may not be as rich or powerful as he once was, but he's every bit as batty.

The CNN founder shows once again why he's called "the Mouth of the South" in a Q&A in October's GQ, delivering oracular pronouncements on the state of the world that are either insane or brilliant, depending on your point of view, but always original.

Here's why he thinks American can't prevail in what he calls "Rupert's war," aka the Iraq War:

Usually, wars don't last but four years. The First World War, the Second World War, the Civil War. After four years, everybody's sick of it and wants to go home. They're sick of fighting. And we're not the only ones. The same thing happened to Russia in Afghanistan. Because the guys with the home-court advantage win.

And here's why he thinks we shouldn't rattle our sabers at Iran:

The Iranians don't intimidate! ... They'll still be fighting in fifty years! They believe if they die in warfare, they get forty virgins in heaven. The Christians don't get that! We have more incentive to live, because we don't know what we're getting, you know? Our idea of heaven is lots of hymns, and theirs is lots of sex! The risk-reward thing is skewed the wrong way.

Here's his take on why life in famine-struck North Korea's not so bad:

I was there last year. They were nice to me. There weren't a lot of fat people walking around. They were all thin. And being thin is healthier than being fat.

And this is why global warming bothers him:

The bluebirds will be gone, and the elephants will be gone, and the tigers will be gone, and the pandas will be gone. I don't like the idea of losing pandas or crocodiles or alligators. I just...you know, I think they're cool. I like snakes. I like hummingbirds. There's nothing on earth I don't like. Frogs. Salamanders. The bunnies, the giraffes, the hippopotamuses. They deserve to have a planet.

But the best part of all is how Turner handled his own publicist's attempt to deflect a question:

I DON'T NEED YOU FOR THAT! YOU'RE JUST AN OLD PUSSY! YOU'RE JUST AN OLD PUSSY! YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE MOTHER HEN. [in falsetto] "WE'VE GOTTA DO THIS! WE'VE GOTTA DO THAT!" [back to regular voice] THIS IS IMPORTANT! THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT!

Rupert Murdoch may be more successful -- as a mogul and a warmonger -- but it's hard to imagine him earning an interviewer's undying gratitude like that.

Photograph by Robyn Beck/A.F.P./Getty Images

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