This Just In: Times Are Tough

You might have thought that the recession was already an inarguable reality, but today the National Bureau of Economic Research announced for the first time that -- surprise! -- the U.S. is officially in a recession, and that it began a year ago.

In the spirit of stating the patently obvious, here are some other groundbreaking announcements we can envision receiving in the near future.

• Warner Brothers reveals conclusive data proving that even given infinite attempts within infinite episodes, Wile E. Coyote is incapable of catching the Road Runner.
• Major League Baseball holds a press conference announcing that the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox have been engaged in a rivalry that began in 1903.
• The New England Journal of Medicine publishes an article establishing that every food that you enjoy eating will cause premature death or obesity, while unpalatable foods such as cod liver oil and mung beans are the best protection against cancer.
• Sotheby's issues a statement disclosing that a large portion of the works for sale at its semi-annual Postwar & Contemporary auctions look like something your five-year-old could have made.
• The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame publicly acknowledges that parents experience the music of their children's generation as is just a bunch of randomized, dissonant noise.
• The American Physical Society unveils evidence that gravity has exerted a downward force on matter for the past 4.6 billion years, confirming more than five centuries of speculation.

by Liz Gunnison