How To Ask Stevie Cohen for a Job

Are you great with Excel and looking for a job? You're not alone. More than 200 hedge funds have closed so far this year, one investment bank has gone belly up, and New York's financial district has shed tens of thousands of jobs in recent months.

Thankfully, Stevie Cohen and Ken Griffin are hiring. Bloomberg reports that some of the top hedge funds, including Cohen's SAC Capital, Griffin's Citadel, D.E. Shaw, and Balyasny Asset Management, have been on a hiring spree of late, scooping up the talent discarded from struggling funds or bloated investment banks.

Portfolio.com's stealth mailroom guys intercepted a recent cover letter for one such job. This might help provide some insight into the kind of competition you'll face on the job hunt.

Dear Mr. Cohen,

In response to an article I read on Bloomberg about your job openings, I wanted to introduce myself to you and share a bit about why I think I'd make a great fit for SAC Capital. I've also enclosed my resume for your review.

I have been a hedge fund analyst for my entire career, so I know I have the right amount of experience for the job. Three years ago, I graduated with honors and a hot girlfriend from Princeton University. I was on a quest for three things: to establish a two and twenty pay structure, to get a lifetime membership to the Shinnecock golf club in the Hamptons, and to prove to my Dad that he didn't get me into Princeton for nothing.

Somewhere along the way, I shed the girlfriend and acquired a 2,000 square foot loft in Soho. My trades rocked. But in 2006, the hedge fund I was working for abruptly closed. I learned a lot at Amaranth, and I'm grateful for the experience. I wouldn't advise calling Amaranth's founders for a reference on me, as I'm sure they have better things to do with their time these days.

I didn't let the setback get me down, and I was even more determined to reach for my goals.

I moved on to Vikram Pandit's awesome Old Lane Partners. I had a great six-month run there, but sometime after Citigroup acquired it, they suggested I spend more time with my family (which I don't have) so I decided to seek opportunities elsewhere. I'm sure Mr. Pandit would be happy to provide a reference if you so desire one. He's pretty easy to get in touch with at vikram@citigroup.com.

In May of last year, Ralph Cioffi hired me to help deal with some trading issues at his hedge funds at Bear Stearns. What a terrific challenge! Unfortunately, the hedge funds had minor losses last summer and I decided on my own to spend some more time with my family. Again, I'm sure Ralph Cioffi has plenty of time on his hands right now if you want to call him for a reference.

I got a great opportunity to move to London and work for Peloton Partners last fall. What a talented team. And London rocked. Unfortunately, earlier this year, the co-founders of the firm decided they wanted to spend more time with their families, so they gave all their money back to the investors.

I took the summer off to golf in the Hamptons, but now I've returned to my Soho loft and I really, really need a job. I had a verbal job offer from Ron Insana about working for him but I guess I should have gotten it in writing, because it fell through.

In summary, Mr. Cohen, I think you'll agree that I have an impressive track record in the hedge fund industry. I'm motivated, talented, and I don't mind taking female hormones if the job demands it.

Very warm regards,

[NAME REDACTED]