Reminder for Lehman: Steal From the Best

Is anyone having a worse year than Lehman Brothers? It can't seem to find anyone to invest in it at a price it wants, and it desperately needs the capital to offset even more write-downs on crappy assets.

And now, Lehman gets caught up in a plagiarism scandal. The bank recently sent out a letter of apology to clients for failing to give proper attribution to a competing bank in an equity research report it published. Evidently a report published by semiconductor analyst Tim Luke "borrowed" analysis and figures from reports authored by Bernstein Research analyst Toni Sacconaghi.** "The material was not sourced to Bernstein and was used without the firm's permission. We sincerely apologize to Bernstein, the authors of the reports, and to our clients for this incident," the letter stated.

We have some advice for Lehman. If you're going to plagiarize, plagiarize where it counts. Steal, copy, borrow, and bootleg words that will further your cause, not ones that end up in some boring research report on semiconductors. Make a difference with your theft.

For your shareholders, take a quote from Goldman Sachs chief executive Lloyd Blankfein and drop it into your next quarterly press release: "Given the difficult market conditions, we are particularly pleased to be able to report strong results for the second quarter." Then, no one will notice the losses on your income statement on the next page. It's that easy!

For your clients, don't bother them with an apology for a report they never even read. You need to be able to demonstrate that you have your shit together, even though you don't. It's a perfect opportunity for new branding. There is no reason why you can't recycle some of history's best ad slogans, customized for Lehman. Some thoughts to get your creative juices flowing:

"You deserve a break today. So do we."
"Good 'til the last dollar is gone."
"Takes a licking and keeps on ticking."
"Please don't squeeze the profits."
"Look, Ma! No level three assets!"

For your employees, you need to inspire, lead, and stimulate. After all, they've seen their net worth evaporate along with Lehman's share price, so it wouldn't hurt to give them a little encouragement.

And who better than Winston Churchill to provide fodder for your next all-hands meeting?

"You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word. It is victory. Victory at all costs - Victory in spite of all balance sheet losses - Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory, or at least the Fed's help, there is no survival. I take up my task in buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. I feel entitled at this juncture, at this time, to claim the aid of all and to say, 'Come then, let us go forward together with our united strength.'"

by Megan Barnett

**Correction: An earlier version mistakenly reported that Tim Luke left Lehman after the incident. In fact, a subordinate who was responsible for copying the data was let go. Tim Luke still covers the semiconductor industry for Lehman Brothers.