Parsing John Edwards: Can We Get This Over With By Monday?

Jack Flack normally sticks to parsing business statements. But, like the confession and resignation statements from Eliot Spitzer, the formal mea culpa from John Edwards is just to rich in sub-text to resist.

Edwards uses three text-book scandal-management tactics. First, admit the sin late on a Friday so the story can die into the weekend, which is particularly effective in August. Second, satisfy the public desire for detail by granting an exclusive television interview. You not only avoid a potential circus that could erupt at a press conference, but you also likely secure fair treatment by the grateful interviewer. Third, then you go dark, and hope no new details will re-ignite the story.

Here's the parse.

Edwards: In 2006, I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core beliefs.

Translation: It was a one-time aberration. I am a good man who did bad thing.

Edwards: I recognized my mistake and I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman, and I asked for her forgiveness.

Translation: It wasn't pretty, but we're still together. She never explicitly forgave me, or I would tell you.

Edwards: Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I did not tell the public.

Translation: Most of my family is too young to vote.

Edwards: When a supermarket tabloid told a version of the story, I used the fact that the story contained many falsities to deny it.

Translation: I am, by training and by nature, a trial lawyer.

Edwards: But being 99 percent honest is no longer enough.

Translation: Of course, that depends on your definition of "99 percent."

Edwards: I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices, and I had hoped that it would never become public.

Translation: That's why I dismissed the idea of wanting the VP slot.

Edwards: With my family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006 and today I take full responsibility publicly.

Translation: "Blame the mistress" just didn't seem like the way to go.

Edwards: But that misconduct took place for a short period in 2006. It ended then.

Translation: This is historical. Let's move on, shall we?

Edwards: I am and have been willing to take any test necessary to establish the fact that I am not the father of any baby...

Translation: I may have shown terrible judgment, but I'm not a complete moron.

Edwards: ...and I am truly hopeful that a test will be done so this fact can be definitively established.

Translation: There will not be a test... unless the story refuses to die.

Edwards: I only know that the apparent father has said publicly that he is the father of the baby.

Translation: And here I thought I was special.

Edwards: I also have not been engaged in any activity of any description that requested, agreed to or supported payments of any kind to the woman or to the apparent father of the baby.

Translation: This is a moral scandal, not an ethical or legal scandal.

Edwards: It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry.

Translation: Based on my past rhetoric, I'm going to get roasted as a hypocrite.

Edwards: In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.

Translation: But this humiliation has cured me.

Edwards: If you want to beat me up -- feel free.

Translation: Rope-a-dope is my only hope.

Edwards: You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself.

Translation: I'm too smart to have made such a dumb mistake. What was I thinking?

Edwards: I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help.

Translation: I'm hoping this will be the crescendo of the story, and I'm going to be invisible for a while.

Edwards: I have given a complete interview on this matter and having done so, will have nothing more to say.

Translation: I ensured decent treatment by agreeing to an exclusive. Every other reporter will have to write off of that interview. I'm praying this takes the air out of the ball. Man, I hope Obama, McCain or Favre does something really stupid this weekend.