Parsing Yahoo: We Find Rejection Very Attractive

The three statements released today by Carl Icahn, Microsoft and Yahoo sounded suspiciously like rival gangs of crows haggling over a lumpy ball of tin foil that might -- might -- have a little bit of stale ham sandwich tucked inside it. Icahn cackled, then Microsoft gently hopped around, and then Yahoo twitched its head into odd positions.

Ever determined to inflict equal-opportunity parsing on all parties, Jack Flack offers this translation of the Yahoo statement, which reveals that Yahoo doesn't understand who should be courting whom at this point.

Yahoo: Yahoo!'s Board of Directors continues to stand ready to enter into negotiations with Microsoft Corporation for an acquisition of Yahoo!.

Translation: Call today, and we'll throw in free floormats.

Yahoo: Indeed, as recently as June, Yahoo!'s independent directors and management approached Steve Ballmer about just such a transaction, only to be told that Microsoft was no longer interested even in the price range which they had previously proposed.

Translation: If we didn't know better, the pattern would seem to indicate that our value is deteriorating.

Yahoo: Now Mr. Ballmer and Mr. Icahn have teamed up in an apparent effort to force Yahoo! into selling to Microsoft its Search business at a price to be determined in a future "negotiation" between Mr. Icahn's directors and Microsoft's management.

Translation: Mr. Ballmer and Mr. Icahn have already colluded on a set price.

Yahoo: We feel very strongly that this would not lead to an outcome that would be in the best interests of Yahoo!'s stockholders.

Translation: Trust us. We have an uncanny knack for protecting the best interests of our stockholders.

Yahoo: If Microsoft and Mr. Ballmer really want to purchase Yahoo!, we again invite them to make a proposal immediately.

Translation: We still think the dynamic should be them-courting-us.

Yahoo: And if Mr. Icahn has an actual plan for Yahoo! beyond hoping that Microsoft might actually consummate a deal which they have repeatedly walked away from, we would be very interested in hearing it.

Translation: At this point, if anybody has an actual plan that might work, we would be very interested in hearing it.