Parsing Wachovia: Oh My God, They Killed Kenny

It had been openly called for, so the news that Wachovia was pushing out Ken Thompson carried little surprise. But as you might imagine, the news release requires parsing for true understanding.

Here goes.

Wachovia: CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Wachovia announced today that its current Chairman, Lanty Smith, has been appointed interim Chief Executive Officer, succeeding Ken Thompson, who is retiring at the request of the Board. Ben Jenkins, currently Vice Chairman and President of the General Bank, will serve as interim Chief Operating Officer.

Translation: Oh my God, we killed Kenny.

Wachovia: All of the company's staff functions will report to Smith, with the company's four lines of business -- General Bank, Wealth Management, the Corporate and Investment Bank and Capital Management -- reporting to Jenkins.

Translation: Don't worry. Everybody is reporting to somebody.

Wachovia:The Board of Directors has formed a special committee to conduct a search for a permanent Chief Executive Officer.

Translation: We didn't expect to take Ken out right now, or we would have had a successor ready.

Wachovia: "Wachovia is a strong institution and well positioned even in the face of the unprecedented conditions in the financial services industry," said Smith.

Translation: Nothing exposes sins like a collapsing credit market.

Wachovia: "The Board is confident that we are putting in place the right interim leadership to move the company forward, and no other senior management changes are currently contemplated."

Translation: Come out from under your desks and get back to work.

Wachovia: Smith continued, "No single precipitating event caused the Board to reach this decision, but a series of previously disclosed disappointments and setbacks cumulatively have negatively impacted the company and its performance.

Translation: Nothing illegal happened. It wasn't one dumb thing. It was one dumb thing after another.

Wachovia: The Board believes new leadership will help to revitalize and reenergize Wachovia and enable it to realize its potential.

Translation: It was a leadership issue.

Wachovia: We will move Wachovia steadily ahead as a strong, independent company by continuing to focus first on the needs of our customers.

Translation: We had to make a change if we want to keep from getting swallowed.

Wachovia: Our recent successful capital raising actions provide us the solid foundation and flexibility we need in an environment which remains extremely challenging for Wachovia and the entire banking industry. Despite continued hurdles, we have confidence in our strong liquidity, good capital position and solid business model."

Translation: No need to take your money out of our vaults.

Wachovia: Jenkins said, "Wachovia continues to execute well in key areas, and we continue to benefit from our core strength of best-in-class customer satisfaction and loyalty. I look forward to working closely with Lanty, the Board and our entire team."

Translation: The blue lollypops in the lobby work.

Wachovia: Smith added, "Ken Thompson is an exceptionally fine person who enjoys well-earned respect both inside and beyond Wachovia. We thank him for all of his important contributions to Wachovia, and we wish him success in his future pursuits. He has led the company with the highest integrity, loyalty and dedication."

Translation: Integrity, loyalty and dedication are not enough.

Wachovia: "It has been an honor to serve this great company for 32 years, and to lead it for the past eight years," said Thompson. "Together we achieved great successes and overcame tough challenges. I have complete confidence in the ability of 120,000 Wachovia employees to continue to take this company forward, and I want to thank them for their dedication and commitment to Wachovia."

Translation: The non-disparagement clause in my severance agreement was worth it.

Wachovia: Smith will head the search committee, and Robert A. Ingram, Mackey J. McDonald and Joseph Neubauer will comprise the other members of the committee, which will commence its activities immediately. Mr. Smith emphasized that Wachovia is in good hands and the committee will focus on conducting a careful and thorough search, as expeditiously as appropriate, for the best qualified individual, from either inside or outside Wachovia.

Translation: We'll hire who we want when we want.

Wachovia: Smith has served as a director since 1987 and was lead independent director from 2000 until May 2008, when he became non-executive Chairman. He also serves as Chairman of the Executive Committee, and in the past he has chaired the Audit Committee. He is Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Tippet Capital, a merchant banking firm headquartered in Raleigh, N.C. He was formerly President of Burlington Industries, Inc., a partner with the international law firm of Jones Day, and for the past 20 years has been engaged in private equity and venture capital investing.

Translation: He's a real-deal, big-time banker.

Wachovia: Jenkins joined First Union in 1971, prior to its merger with Wachovia, and has held a number of senior executive positions, including President of First Union in Florida, Virginia, Maryland, Washington, D.C., Georgia and South Carolina. He is a member of the Board of Trustees of Presbyterian Hospital and Chairman of the Board for Queens University of Charlotte.

Translation: Yes, Wachovia will still remain First Union.