Parsing Yahoo's Victory Announcement: The Rabbit Will Be Coming Out of the Hat Any Day Now

After giving Microsoft boss Steve Ballmer's Saturday night withdrawal letter a zippy parsing, Jack Flack felt an obligation to do the same for Yahoo's response, hoping Founder Yang has read last week's Rescue Memo.

Yahoo: Roy Bostock, Chairman of Yahoo! Inc. (Nasdaq:YHOO), a leading global Internet company issued the following statement today in response to Microsoft Corporation's announcement that it has withdrawn its proposal to acquire Yahoo!:

Translation: This is from all of us, not just Jerry.

Yahoo: We remain focused on maximizing shareholder value and pursuing strategic opportunities that position Yahoo! for success and leadership in its markets.

Translation: We promise to get a deal almost as good as this one.

Yahoo: From the beginning of this process, our independent board and our management have been steadfast...

Translation: We're all in this together. All decisions were made by large groups of logical people, not one emotional founder...

Yahoo:... in our belief that Microsoft's offer undervalued the company and we are pleased that so many of our shareholders joined us in expressing that view.

Translation: ...we got Jerry to agree to sell if we could get Ballmer to do something astronomically stupid. We convinced our biggest holders it could work, and they helped us spin.

Yahoo: Yahoo! is profitable, growing, and executing well on its strategic plan to capture the large opportunities in the relatively young online advertising market.

Translation: Things are great.

Yahoo: Our solid results for the first quarter of 2008 and increased full year 2008 operating cash flow outlook reflect the progress the company is making.

Translation: Please don't ask us about the 12 quarters before that.

Yahoo: Today, Yahoo! has: a refined strategic focus to drive enhanced volume and yield; reorganized to focus its efforts on its most promising products and services; invested in innovations designed to revolutionize display advertising and facilitate closing the competitive gap in search; and enhanced expense and resource management to support improved profitability."

Translation: Today, Yahoo! has: started doing what we should have done four years ago.

Yahoo: Jerry Yang, co-founder and chief executive officer, Yahoo! Inc. added, "I am incredibly proud of the way our team has come together over the last three months.

Translation: Nothing cures malaise like a good siege.

Yahoo: This process has underscored our unique and valuable strategic position.

Translation: This process has underscored just how easy it will be for Google to maintain a huge scale gap.

Yahoo: With the distraction of Microsoft's unsolicited proposal now behind us...

Translation: Having fought tooth and nail to prevent our shareholders from doubling their money...

Yahoo: ...we will be able to focus all of our energies on executing the most important transition in our history so that we can maximize our potential to the benefit of our shareholders, employees, partners and users."

Translation: ...we will now pull a beautiful bunny out of a hat.

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