Parsing Yahoo!: What Makes You Think We're Desperate?

Knowing that anywhere two or more are gathered under articles of incorporation there will be corporate babble, Jack Flack believes in equal opportunity parsing.

First, Microsoft had to be translated.

Then, it was Google that required decoding.

And now, it's the distressed damsel Yahoo! that begs to have the meaning of its words revealed. After the old-alpha and new-alpha traded yammerings about how they were protecting the world from each other, the future acquiree thought it might be a good idea to post an FAQ on the unsolicited proposal from Microsoft

Yahoo!: Q1. How is Yahoo! responding to Microsoft's proposal?
The Yahoo! Board is undertaking a deliberate review process. They're going to take time to thoroughly evaluate the proposal in the context of Yahoo!'s strategic plans. This will include evaluating all of the Company's strategic alternatives - including maintaining Yahoo! as an independent company. That process will take some time, but the Board will ultimately pursue the option that it believes can best maximize value for our shareholders.

JF Translation: OMG, this is the end-game. Yahoo! shareholders have suffered for a long time, and we gotta extract maximum value out of this transaction. So, we're going to pretend we don't need this deal to become relevant again, hoping it will strengthen our negotiating position. Gee, I hope it works.

Yahoo!: Q2. How long will the Board's review process take?
A review process like this is fluid, and it can take quite a bit of time.

JF Translation: We're comfortable dragging this out a long time, if it gets us a couple extra bucks per share.

Yahoo!: Q3. Will the Board seek proposals from any other companies?
The Board is going to evaluate all of Yahoo!'s strategic alternatives and pursue the option that it believes can best maximize value for our shareholders.

JF Translation: We're not going to initiate anything that would anger that nutty Ballmer, but operators are standing by, if anybody else wants to give us a call.

Yahoo!: Q4. What would a deal like this mean for Yahoo!'s users, advertisers, publishers, partners and people?
Yahoo!'s Board is going to evaluate all aspects of this proposal carefully and promptly in the context of the company's strategic plans and alternatives. So it wouldn't be appropriate to speculate about the potential benefits or challenges of a deal. But the review process that's underway won't have any impact on our efforts to deliver value to all of our users, advertisers, publishers and partners - as well as new and exciting opportunities to our employees.

JF Translation: We can't promise you anything, but we'll try to get this done as quickly as possible. In the meantime, please don't desert us and crash the valuations Microsoft has calculated into their bid.

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