In Jack Flack's most recent post on Chrysler, Felix Salmon commented that the language announcing the departure of top flack Jason Vines did not exactly reflect a PR function headed in the right direction. Here's the offending attributed to Bob Nardelli in the Chrysler statement:

"Now that Chrysler is an independent company again, we are taking every opportunity to realign functions in a more holistic manner that allows us to more effectively drive company strategy."

Felix pointed to the FT columnist John Gapper, who, under the headline "Realigning English into gobbledegook," gave the statement a polite, but merciless, flogging as perhaps the worst entry in "the annals of nonsensical business-speak waffle."

"There are so many things wrong with this sentence, from its lamentable grammar to its lack of discernible meaning, that it makes me have serious doubts about Mr Nardelli, who was recruited to head Chrysler by Cerberus Capital Management after leaving Home Depot under a cloud. This was, after all, not an off-the-cuff bit of flannel but a deliberately-crafted press release."

Well said. But fortunately, Jack Flack just happens to speak near-fluent nonsensical business-speak waffle, and thus offers this translation for those poor souls who only speak traditional English.

Quote: "Now that Chrysler is an independent company again..."

Translation: "Now that we are no longer required by law to communicate..."

Quote: "...we are taking every opportunity to realign functions..."

Translation: "...we are ripping as much cost out of this thing as possible by cutting fixed expenses, particularly full-time employees..."

Quote: "...in a more holistic manner..."

Translation: (OK, so Jack Flack is not fully fluent, and can only guess this means:) "...so the corporate headquarters headcount will soon be small enough for everyone to sit in the same cubicle..""

Quote: "...that allows us to more effectively drive company strategy."

Translation: "... that allows us to get on with things without being slowed down by dissident wiseguys from past regimes."

But Felix also raised a good question: "Did Bob Marston craft the press release saying this?"

Jack Flack has no idea. But things always get a bit strange internally when you're trying to publicly announce that you are dismantling your public announcement apparatus. Jack Flack guesses that the release was actually crafted by HR, since it was a personnel announcement, and since the comms function now reports to HR head Nancy Rae.

Aside 1: HR people speak a language all their own, and Jack Flack has no doubt the Nardelli quote is perfectly lucid in that world. "Holistic" surely has definition as precise and concrete to HR people as the world "hammer" has to carpenters.

Aside 2: Home Depot watchers will remember that Nardelli has a strong history of using HR as the change-management imperial storm-troopers.

Keep in mind, this is likely a cultural thing, and not a reflection of any single individual, as Chrysler's statements were hardly examples of clear expression when Vines was there. Recall that Jack Flack was already called into translation service on a Chrysler announcement before.

Here's the best one.

Quote: "These actions reflect our new customer-driven philosophy and allow us to focus our resources on new, more profitable and appealing products. Further, these product actions are all in response to dealer requests."

Translation: "We're going to make cars that people want to buy, and that our dealers want to sell."

A lone commenter raised the best question of all by asking, "Why can't they just say what you translated?"

Applied to the corporate world in general, there are at least five common answers to that question, and Jack Flack promises to answer them... one day.

End-note: Jack Flack is tired of Chrysler, and surely Chrysler is tired of Jack Flack. And the reality is that corporations pump out dozens of statements every day that are far worse than the one Gapper clubbed. But because the Chrysler-under-Nardelli story is so hot right now, the Chrysler flacks -- the internal, the hired guns and the newly departed -- are under far more scrutiny than most of their counter-parts. It's not particularly fair. At the same time, a little scrutiny can be a good thing, and Jack Flack predicts you will be able to tell a lot about Chrysler by their language in the coming months. Good luck, guys. A good comeback story is even better when its told well.