Apple: Parsing the iPhone Lockdown Notice

Saul Hensell's "BITS" piece in Saturday's NYT nicely details the carnage of Apple's software update, which converts hacked iPhones into really cool looking paperweights.

Hensell's story inspired Jack Flack to revisit the warning press release Apple issued on Monday. Here' s the revisionist parsing of the entire release.

Apple: "Apple has discovered that many of the unauthorized iPhone unlocking programs available on the Internet cause irreparable damage to the iPhone's software..."

JF Translation: "We noticed the celebrations going on in the streets..."

Apple: "...which will likely result in the modified iPhone becoming permanently inoperable when a future Apple-supplied iPhone software update is installed."

JF Translation: "... and the troopers and tear-gas are on the way."

Apple: "Apple plans to release the next iPhone software update, containing many new features including the iTunes Wi-Fi Music Store (www.itunes.com), later this week."

JF Translation: "We're using patches as the trojan horse."

Apple: "Apple strongly discourages users from installing unauthorized unlocking programs on their iPhones."

JF Translation: "Don't screw with us or our closed approach."

Apple: "Users who make unauthorized modifications to the software on their iPhone violate their iPhone software license agreement and void their warranty."

JF Translation: "You were so excited that you didn't even notice what you agreed to."

Apple: "The permanent inability to use an iPhone due to installing unlocking software is not covered under the iPhone's warranty."

JF Translation: "We have your money, and you're only recourse is to buy another phone from us. Thank you for your business."

Oddly enough, the release cannot be found on the Apple site. A new one is probably on the way, though, as clever minds are already cracking back through.

So why, oh why, do such fierce enforcements of uncompromising control never seem to dent Apple's groovy reputation, at least with anyone other than the truest of geeks?

Oh, as Elisabether Spiers explains, that why.