Old Quant Models Deeply Flawed,
According to New Quant Models

The new models will show that older versions of the complex algorithms used to make split-second trading decisions failed to factor in a number of variables, including "maybe the credit-rating agencies were utterly useless."

The hedge fund managers will also note that veteran traders—rather than first-year analysts and summer interns—should optimally oversee the complex computer models.

Investment Banker
Will Warn Girlfriend
of Subprime Hit

A vice president for mergers and acquisitions at a big Wall Street investment bank will warn his girlfriend that 2007 compensation may be negatively impacted by the ongoing liquidity crisis.

The young banker's new guidance will say that he may fall significantly short of bonus projections for the fiscal year, citing low deal volume, reduced underwriting fees, and his greedy M.D.'s new Aspen chalet as causes for concern.

Upon hearing the news, the girlfriend will say she is considering her options and evaluating a potential move towards a more stable asset class, such as trust fund boys.

Exxon Mobil Cuts Costs
by Going Green

Exxon Mobil will launch an initiative aimed at cutting its own energy consumption, citing the outrageous recent rise in energy costs.

Among Exxon's stated goals will be to install compact fluorescent bulbs in all its tank farms and refineries by 2010. It will also looking into placing solar panels on tankers and installing wind turbines on top of drilling platforms.

Exxon will explain that it believes the measures will help polish its image as well as save money. The oil giant has already commissioned a public relations campaign called "Exxon Cares," which will make extensive use of billboards and direct-mail advertising.

Citigroup's New Deal-Financing Strategy:
Buy Our Debt, Enter to Win the Vacation of a Lifetime!

In an increasingly tight debt market, Citigroup will try an innovative strategy to unloading loans used to finance some of the big private equity deals of early 2007—a sweepstakes.

Investors who purchase, say, TXU debt from Citigroup before May 1 will gain automatic entry into a lottery-style sweepstakes. Prizes will include a Ducati SportClassic GT 1000, and a 6 day, 7 night Caribbean cruise for two.

Other underwriters with balance sheets equally loaded down by unsold debt will study the new method closely, hoping that it will be enough to set the wheels in motion to bring investors back into the institutional debt market.

Hedge fund managers will respond eagerly. "I'm hoping to win the skydiving lessons," one will be quoted as saying as he scoops up $100 million in loans. "The sky diving lessons, or the first class tickets to Iceland. That'd be pretty sick."

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