Bernanke's Beard to Issue Own Rate Decisions

While the Fed chairman himself will say that rates will remain steady because of persistent inflation fears, his beard will cheekily declare a 50 basis-point cut in the federal funds rate.

Stock traders will bid up major indexes by more than 4 percent after the beard speaks out.

Facebook 'In Person' Function to Debut,
Enabling Computer-Free User-to-User Contact

Users, however, will be able to choose from a variety of features, including real-time conversation, playing games, or sharing photos.

Stocks Slide as Warren Buffett
Either Winks or Has a Nervous Twitch

When Buffett shuts his left eye at the mention of health care stocks, the shares of major pharmaceutical, insurance, and hospital companies will experience a massive sell-off.

Abu Dhabi to Bid for City of Detroit

Detroit has struggled with a decades-long decline amid the falling fortunes of America's once-mighty automakers, but Abu Dhabi's investment officers will say they see strong potential for growth and turnaround.

The State Department and the State of Michigan will tell the emirate that Detroit is not for sale, but they'll also engage Goldman Sachs to "review the city's strategic alternatives."