Predicting an economic slowdown in 2008 is about as helpful as predicting a sunrise tomorrow. Everyone assumes it's coming, but there's not much anyone can do about it.

So we won't predict a slump. Or guess whether credit markets will grow even tighter or loosen up. We won't even dare to speculate about which clueless Wall Street titan will throw himself or his wife an over-the-top, in-your-face party that will inflame presidential campaign rhetoric.

We all know that those things are coming. Here are a few developments that may still catch you by surprise . . .

CNBC and Six Flags Create New Rollercoaster:
"Dow Jones Industrials: The Scream Machine."

The ride is intended to draw an older demographic into the theme parks. It consists of a series of precipitous, unexpected drops, non-intuitive surges, and randomized patches of stomach-turning turbulence meant to mimic the activity of the stock market average itself.  

Positive early buzz over the ride has led to talks about further market-themed attractions, including an upside down coaster called "The Yield Curve Invert-o-rama" and "Crude Explosion," a bungee slingshot ride based on the oil market.

China Recalls Beijing '08 Olympic Medals

The Chinese Olympic Organizing Committee will recall some, but not all, of the medals awarded at this year's Summer Games, saying they're tainted with lead.

Victorious athletes will be asked to return all bronze and gold medals awarded in tennis, badminton, wrestling, and aquatics. The affected medals were produced at the same factory in Guandong Province.

After apologizing on behalf of the Chinese government, the toymaker Mattel will then replace the tainted medals at its own expense. Some of the new medals, however, will also be found to contain dangerous levels of lead.

Bernanke's Beard to Issue Own Rate Decisions

In a surprise twist on standard protocol, Ben Bernanke and his beard will issue conflicting interest rate decisions on behalf of the Federal Open Market Committee.

While the Fed chairman himself will say that rates will remain steady because of persistent inflation fears, his beard will cheekily declare a 50 basis-point cut in the federal funds rate.

Stock traders will bid up major indexes by more than 4 percent after the beard speaks out.

Facebook 'In Person' Function to Debut,
Enabling Computer-Free User-to-User Contact

Facebook will launch a new platform to be called "Facebook inPerson." The new service, which has been in development for over two years, will permit user-to-user interaction without a computer, cell phone, or other device.

Users, however, will be able to choose from a variety of features, including real-time conversation, playing games, or sharing photos.

Stocks Slide as Warren Buffett
Either Winks or Has a Nervous Twitch

The market will tumble 300 points after Warren Buffett issues what day traders interpret as a "knowing wink" during an appearance on CNBC's Power Lunch program.

When Buffett shuts his left eye at the mention of health care stocks, the shares of major pharmaceutical, insurance, and hospital companies will experience a massive sell-off.

Abu Dhabi to Bid for City of Detroit

Flush with cash and eager to snap up assets it believes are undervalued, the Abu Dhabi Investment Authority will make a hostile bid for a controlling stake in Detroit.

Detroit has struggled with a decades-long decline amid the falling fortunes of America's once-mighty automakers, but Abu Dhabi's investment officers will say they see strong potential for growth and turnaround.

The State Department and the State of Michigan will tell the emirate that Detroit is not for sale, but they'll also engage Goldman Sachs to "review the city's strategic alternatives."

Old Quant Models Deeply Flawed,
According to New Quant Models

A team of leading hedge fund managers will announce that their latest quantitative trading model confirms that all previous trading models were deeply flawed.

The new models will show that older versions of the complex algorithms used to make split-second trading decisions failed to factor in a number of variables, including "maybe the credit-rating agencies were utterly useless."

The hedge fund managers will also note that veteran traders—rather than first-year analysts and summer interns—should optimally oversee the complex computer models.

Investment Banker
Will Warn Girlfriend
of Subprime Hit

A vice president for mergers and acquisitions at a big Wall Street investment bank will warn his girlfriend that 2007 compensation may be negatively impacted by the ongoing liquidity crisis.

The young banker's new guidance will say that he may fall significantly short of bonus projections for the fiscal year, citing low deal volume, reduced underwriting fees, and his greedy M.D.'s new Aspen chalet as causes for concern.

Upon hearing the news, the girlfriend will say she is considering her options and evaluating a potential move towards a more stable asset class, such as trust fund boys.

Exxon Mobil Cuts Costs
by Going Green

Exxon Mobil will launch an initiative aimed at cutting its own energy consumption, citing the outrageous recent rise in energy costs.

Among Exxon's stated goals will be to install compact fluorescent bulbs in all its tank farms and refineries by 2010. It will also looking into placing solar panels on tankers and installing wind turbines on top of drilling platforms.

Exxon will explain that it believes the measures will help polish its image as well as save money. The oil giant has already commissioned a public relations campaign called "Exxon Cares," which will make extensive use of billboards and direct-mail advertising.

Citigroup's New Deal-Financing Strategy:
Buy Our Debt, Enter to Win the Vacation of a Lifetime!

In an increasingly tight debt market, Citigroup will try an innovative strategy to unloading loans used to finance some of the big private equity deals of early 2007—a sweepstakes.

Investors who purchase, say, TXU debt from Citigroup before May 1 will gain automatic entry into a lottery-style sweepstakes. Prizes will include a Ducati SportClassic GT 1000, and a 6 day, 7 night Caribbean cruise for two.

Other underwriters with balance sheets equally loaded down by unsold debt will study the new method closely, hoping that it will be enough to set the wheels in motion to bring investors back into the institutional debt market.

Hedge fund managers will respond eagerly. "I'm hoping to win the skydiving lessons," one will be quoted as saying as he scoops up $100 million in loans. "The sky diving lessons, or the first class tickets to Iceland. That'd be pretty sick."